BIG TIME RANT!

Warning!  I have had a long, hard day and I am ready to vent.  Some is good and some is bad, so here it is...

Abigale
I actually said the words , "I am really disappointed in you about this"  to her today.  I have only said that to her one other time.  I hate saying it, but I know what an impact it had on me when my father looked me in the eyes and told me he was disappointed in me.  Sometimes, not saying anything (or very little) has a bigger impact than actual punishment.  Anyways, I'm sad.  I hated saying it to her and I hated feeling the disappointment.  I truly was disappointed in my child.  :(

Hannah
I am completely stressed out and feeling completely nostalgic all at the same time.  My baby's birthday is tomorrow.  She is turning 6.  Last night she said that Daddy and me were not acting excited enough about her birthday.  So, this morning when she came to wake me up I said, "Hannah, tomorrow is your birthday!  Today is the last day you will be 5, so make sure to enjoy it.  You will never be 5 again!"  And so she said, "Goodbye 5, Hello 6!"  It was so cute and just another one of the moments I will never forget. 

Ok, so that's the good part of having my baby's birthday tomorrow.  The bad part is:  Christmas is frickin' one week away, I'm broke, no one has time for a party, I am busier at work than I have been in a long time, and the last thing I need is to plan a birthday party.  But, after work I trudged to Target, hit the $1.00 section and loaded up on coloring books, gel pens and other little odds and ends, got her two more gifts, got wrapping paper and cards and decorations, got an oreo cookie cake for us and 24 cupcakes for school tomorrow, and then swung over to Taco Bell to purchase the family dinner. 

Now, once she is in bed, I get to decorate the house which she believes her special Christmas Elf does.  We  have to blow up ballons, hang streamers and wrap presents so that she thinks her elf did it while we were all sleeping.  Then, I get to go to work and then rush home so she can open her presents and I can surprise her with the yummy cake.  And, then to contine with the fun and make sure that my December born child's birthday does not go unnoticed, we will take her to Chuck E. Cheese on Saturday morning.  Did you get all that?

Hannah also got her 2nd Kindergarten Time Out Sheet that had to be signed and returned to class. So, now we have a collection of them.  :)

Mom
This is the hardest time of year for me.  It all hit me today at work.  A co-worker pointed to the calendar and I realized that today is December 17th.  My mom and dad's wedding anniversary.  If she were alive they would be celebrating their 44th anniversary.  The 19th would have been my mom's 65th birthday.  17th - anniversary, 18th - Hannah's birthday, 19th - mom's birthday, 23rd - the day my mom died, 25th - Christmas.  Talk about shit hitting the fan all at once...  Talk about emotions.  My mom died 5 years ago (as of December 23rd).  The last time I saw her alive was on her birthday, 4 days before she passed away.  I have played that day over in my head a thousand times.  The day before, we had a party for her and Hannah.  Hannah turned 1 and she turned 60.  We knew it was her last birthday celebration and her last Christmas, but we thought we had a few months left.  The last words I said to her the that December, Sunday morning of her birthday before I left to catch my flight were, "I promise I'll be back in March.  I love you."  I only spoke to her one more time on the phone and then she got to sick to talk and was gone by Thursday morning.

The last visit

Anyways, 5 years seems significant.  My mom has been dead for 5 years.  And to top all of this off, this is our first Christmas without Jay's mom.  We lost her to cancer on January 11.  Last Christmas she was so sick that we didn't have our annual family Christmas at her house.  Why must our parents keep on passing away at Christmas.  Anyone that has read my blog knows how I feel about Christmas.  But, it won't ever be the same again.

Abigale...Again
Ok, so as I sit here crying as I recall all of the memories of my mom's last days, Abigale walks into the family room and rushes over to me.  "Mom, why are you crying, are you Ok"?  Then, she leans over and hugs me and asks me again what is wrong.  When I tell her I'm writing about my mom she says, "Oh.  It will be Ok Mom and she squeezed me again and leaves me alone."  She has totally redeemed herself.

The most wonderful time of the year...Really???

For the first time ever, I did 100% of my Christmas shopping online!  I have been a huge advocate of online shopping for the past 10 years because it was the only way we could do Santa for our daughter and travel to Texas.  By shopping online, I was able to have all of her gifts shipped directly to Texas and they were all there waiting for us when we got there. 

But this year, because I ran out of time, I had no choice but to order everything online.  It is a little scary to order everything without actually seeing it, but so far I have never been disappointed in my purchases.  That is until now.

I finally found a pair of Uggs for Abigale at about half-price and purchased them right away.  I just got confirmation today and there is about a 1% chance that they will actually be here by Christmas.  Now what am I supposed to do?  That was the big present!  That was the one thing that was sure to make her face light up.  And now, she is only going to feel disappoinment while her little sister is full of glee.  I think this is the only Christmas I have ever felt so stressed out and so behind and now on top of everything, I have to pull a pair of Uggs out of my ass.  That should be interesting...stay tuned!

We will both survive middle school...I hope

Raising a middle-schooler means raising your parenting game up a notch.  Not only does she not need me anymore in the way that my 5 year old does, she often makes it difficult to be around her.  Lucky for her, I actually remember quite a bit of my tween years, so I truly do understand what she is going through.  I read a book recently that kept saying, "Remember, no matter how hard it is on you, it is always harder on your daughter."  And, I believe it.  I can see the internal struggle going on inside of her.  Part of her wants to be independent, cool, nonchalant, in-control and oh, so cool.  But the other part of her is scared to death to grow up and wants to just latch on to me and beg me not to make her grow up. 

Obviously, the part of her that wants to grow up has the stronger hold on her, or we would be in trouble.  She has to get up everyday, ride the bus with highschoolers, navigate herself around a huge school, keep track of her block scheduling, keep up with her homework, study constantly for quizzes and tests and maintain a healthy social life.  And, one false move can send that social life straight down the drain.  It is a lot of stress.  Abigale right this very minute thinks she is the only girl in school that doesn't have a pair of Uggs.  She wants a pair so bad, but she knows that as a one-income household, we don't usually drop $140 on a pair of shoes that she is going to grow out of within a year.  But on the other hand, I can remember when Guess jeans came on the scene and I absolutely had to have a pair.  I really do understand what it is like to be where she is in her life.  Unfortunately, for both of us, she doesn't have a clue what it is like to be the parent and no matter how much I want to teach her the lesson that name brands don't make the person and 20 years from now it won't matter if she had Uggs or not, she has to learn it for herself.  She has to go through the agony of trying to fit in and please all the caddy girls that shouldn't even matter to her, but do.

You can bet that some how, some way, Abigale will have a pair of Uggs on Christmas morning and some how, some way, we will get through middle school together.  I hope.

Photo by http://www.brandiblahaphotography.com/

Another tough day in Kindergarten

Every child steals.  At least that is what my friends have been telling me all day.  When I talked to Jay at lunch time and he read me the note that Hannah's assistant teacher sent home with her today, I was a little bit panicked that I had a clepto on my hands.

Apparently, Hannah forgot her snack from home today and spotted someone else's snack that she just had to have.  So, she decided to steal another little girl's snack out of her cubby and pass it off as her own.  When the little girl realized that Hannah had her snack, she, of course, told the teacher.  The teacher confronted Hannah and she flat out denied it.  Finally, after much coaxing, she told the truth, gave the girl her snack back and apologized.  She also brought home a note that needs to be signed by us and returned tomorrow.

Needless to say,when I received the news that my little angel had not only stolen (food of all things so it looks like we don't feed her...), but lied about it when she was confronted, I felt completely deflated.  But, after telling the story to several people, I realized that every one of us had a story to tell about something we stole when we were little and how we learned that it was wrong by either shame, our own conscience or severe punishment.  One guy said he stole a Sponge Bob little note pad that his mother told him he wasn't allowed to get.  Another said that she stole pipe cleaners one or two at a time from the art room at school because she liked all the pretty colors.  And another girl had a thing for smelly markers.  She took them one at a time until she had a box full of them.  Her mother eventually found it and she had to return them.  Even, I have a theft story from my preschool days...

I stole a bird's nest from a little boy when he brought it in for show and tell.  I swiped it right out of his cubby and told my mom I found it on the playground.  I took it home and placed it in a tree in the backyard that was right outside my bedroom window.  My plan was to leave it in the tree so a bird would come and lay eggs.  The next morning when I woke up and ran over to the window, I was devestated when I saw and empty tree.  I was convinced that God had blown the nest out of the tree to teach me a lesson and I felt absolutely horrible.  I didn't get caught, but I learned a valuable, lifelong lesson and never stole anything again.  So, if I handle my little girl's theft correctly, there is hope she won't go on to lead a life of crime as a cleptomaniac booted out of stores for stealing.

Her punishment you ask?  She spent about 2 hours in her room thinking about what she did.  She was able to articulate to me why stealing was wrong and seems to understand that it is wrong and she wouldn't want someone to take something of hers.  She also sat down and wrote a note to her classmate apologizing and will hand deliver it to her tomorrow.  And, last but not least, she gets to deal with Mrs. Koepsell tomorrow who is returning from a 2 day absence.  She is not going to be pleased at all with Hannah.  Hannah is sweating it and we have all jabbed at her once or twice about how we feel sorry for her when Mrs. Koepsell hears about it.  She probably won't sleep too good tonight, but I'm confident that when she walks off that school bus tomorrow she will have likely learned a very valuable, lifelong lesson.  Or, she will have learned nothing and this is just the beginning of a long road.  :)

Due to frequent antics on the part of Miss Hannah, Abigale hasn't gotten much mention lately.  Here's a photo or two of my Abby.  :)

Happy Halloween!

I wrote this around Halloween time and never posted it.  Enjoy!

I love, love, love this time of year. Jay and I even got married on Halloween because we felt like it was the best way to celebrate fall and our love for each other all at the same time. This Halloween will be our 13th wedding anniversary. I can't believe that at 33 years old I have been married to this man for 13 years! We have been through our fair share of hard times, but looking back, it is the love, commitment and sheer will to be together and make our family work that sticks out when I reflect on our marriage.

I used to think that once you got married, you could stop working at your relationship. I now know that the work is just beginning once you are married. Merging two people's lives that come from totally different backgrounds into one is hard enough, but when you add your own children to the mix it gets even trickier. I think the main reason that we have made it this far is our instistance on communication. We make time for each other and we tell each other what is going on. When I do something he doesn't like, I know about it and if he does something I don't like, he knows about it and is reminded of it for years.  :)

We have also learned each other's strengths and weaknesses. I know what he is good at and he knows what I am good at and we aren't resistant to letting each other take the lead on the things we are best at. I know that I suck at managing the finances, so he is in charge of that. I know that he sucks at making plans and arranging appointments, so I handle that. We both check our egos at the door and when problems do come up, we try to fight fair. Try being the operative word here. We aren't perfect and we have made thousands of mistakes along the way. But, it is those mistakes that have bonded us closer and closer to each other through the years.

So, here's to another 13 years and maybe even 13 more after that.

Pickle Humor

Kids say the funniest things.  I LOVE it.  Young children aren't socialized enough to understand things like feelings and white lies.  They are refreshingly honest and often give us adults something to think about.

Well, picture this.  6:30 AM and the four of us (me, Jay, Abigale & Hannah) are gathered in the kitchen.  Jay is making a sandwich for Abigale's lunch.  I'm making a sandwich for my lunch.  Abigale is eating a hot pocket for her breakfast and Hannah is dancing around the kitchen.  I take out the pickle jar and get a rather large pickle out and start to wrap it in foil (since Jay used the last sandwich bag) for my lunch when Hannah says, "That looks like a big penis"!  Abigale choked on her food, but other than that there was complete silence.  Jay looks at me and says, "You wanna take this?"  I say, "Hannah, what did you just say?" And, she matter-of-factly repeats, "That looks like a big penis."  I said, "Why do you think that?"  (In my mind I am thinking, "How in the hell do you know what a penis looks like AND how would you know anything about whether or not a penis is big or not"?)  She says, "Because it is much bigger than Sammy's penis." 

All of us breath a collective sigh of relief that she is referencing the family dog's anatomy and I quickly agree with her and then remind her that although penis isn't a bad word, it isn't something we talk about.  It is a private area.

Yes, kids really do say the darndest things...

Do we really need more stuff?

I love Christmas.  I always have.  When I think about the reasons why I love Christmas, getting stuff doesn't even make the top 10. 

The thing I love most about Christmas is the music.  I sing Christmas carols year round because I love the music so much.  Some of my favorite Christmas tunes are Little Drummer Boy, Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, Christmas Eve in Washington, Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland, Silent Night and so many others.  Because I knew Hannah would be born in December, I sang Christmas tunes to her the entire time I was pregnant with her so that she would recognize Christmas music when she was born and really love it just like I do.  So, needless to say, I love Christmas and the music is a big part of why I love this wonderful season.

Next on the reasons why I love Christmas is the Christmas Tree.  The ornaments that are collected year after year and literally take you on a stroll down memory lane every year as you decorate your tree with your family.  Over the years, my girls have learned where a lot of our ornaments came from and they will recite the stories too as they hang the ornaments in their special spot on the tree.  The smell of the tree is also another thing I love.  But, perhaphs the thing I love most about the Christmas tree is the lights.  Sitting in the dark and rocking in my rocking chair while Christmas music is playing in the background and watching twinkling lights on the tree is just about as good as it gets in my book.  The lights are mesmorizing and always make me feel warm and happy inside.  And, isn't that what Christmas is really all about?

I guess the next love I have for Christmas would have to be driving around and looking at Christmas lights.  We used to do this when I was a kid and it was so much fun.  It was something I could look forward to doing each year with my mom, dad and sister.  And, now every year the four of us pile into the car and do the same thing.  Every year we go to different neighborhoods and look for bigger and better lights than the year before.  And we have even found a few houses over the years that are so spectacular we make a special trip to see them each year.  Yes, Christmas lights are definitely just one of many reasons that I love Christmas.

Playing Santa Claus is another reason I love Christmas.  It is so much fun and now that our oldest daughter no longer believes in Santa, it is even more fun.  She is actually in on it and plays along so well.  She builds the little ones excitement way beyond what Mom and Dad would ever do.  Waiting until they are asleep on Christmas Eve and then hauling everything out and making a dazzling display is my part.  Jay puts all the crap together and handles the stockings.  Some years I eat the cookies and the apple and some years he does.  Then, the next morning after we have been awoken by squeals of delight, we get to play along and act surprised over the wonderful magic Santa left behind.

The food.  I love food in general, but only Thanksgiving offers a more delicious feast than the Christmas table.  Now that both of our mothers have passed on, the food isn't as spectacular as it was in years past, but we still get our fill of candy, sweets and homemade dishes during the month of December.  And then we spend the first half of the next year paying for it.  :)

Family.  Christmas is really all about family.  It isn't about buying or receiving presents.  It is isn't about fighting over parking spaces and putting yourself into serious debt.  It is about reflecting on the past year of your life and being grateful for the people in your life that make your life worth living.  Its about hugging your children and being thankful that they are OK and that their love doesn't come with conditions, it just is.  Christmas is about charity and love and hope, not more stuff.  We don't need more stuff.

What are you thankful for?

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone.  2009 in general was a particulary tough year for the Trent family.  We started off the year with the loss of Jay's mother on January 11th.  I remember thinking then that it was a hell of a way to kick off a New Year. 

We also had many other ups and downs throughout the year, but when we sat at the dining table this afternoon, held hands, said the blessing and then started talking about what we were thankful for, I feel truly blessed.  My girls light up my life and make me proud every single day.  My husband keeps our household running smoothly  and provides the stable, nurturing home-life we need.  He will never know how comforting it is too me to know he is here for our daughters every day when they get home and that I don't have to worry about them makes my job away from the home so much more satisfying.

Looking over now and seeing my baby all curled up and sleeping in her daddy's lap makes me feel so peaceful.  She knows she is loved.  She knows that she can depend on both of us to take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs.  These things seem like basic stuff, but when you look around, there is a lot of sadness and suffering in our world.  There are over 2 million children in the US that are hungry right now and somehow by some miracle, I am OK and my husband and children are OK.  We have so much, and most of all we have each other. 

So, the next time I start to feel stressed out about money or angry at my husband for forgetting something at the grocery store, I am going to let it go and just be happy and truly thankful.

Working for the weekend

Best weekend ever! Saturday, we had a professional photographer come and do a photo shoot of the girls on our property. The pictures are absolutely amazing. They are both growing up so fast and such beautiful young ladies, inside and out.

After the photo shoot, we did some cleaning, napping, tv watching, video game playing, card playing, and just hanging out as a family together. Then, to end the day with a bang, Jay fixed chicken and dumplings with rice and biscuits for dinner. Delicious!

Sunday was another awesome day with perfect, late autumn weather. And, for some unknown reason, other than they love each other a lot, Abigale decided that today was going to be "Hannah's Best Day Ever". So, she made her eggs, bacon and toast for breakfast; gave her a full body massage, painted her nails and rubbed lotion on her; played games with her all day; built a tent in the play room and did pretty much anything else Hannah wanted to do, all day long!

Then, I took the girls to PetSmart to pick up some pet supplies and then we went to 7-11 and got Slurpies and a snack. When we got back, Jay and I listened to old classic-rock upstairs for about an hour while the girls made cookies in the Easy-Bake Oven. Then, because it was "Hannah's Best Day Ever" Day, we let Hannah pick dinner, which was chili dogs with baked beans and ice cream for dessert.

We just finished watching the Grinch and now Hannah is tucked in for the night, ready to start her new week tomorrow. Jay and I are relaxing with the dogs and Abigale is reading in her room. I'm ready to start this short 3-day week and enjoy a fabulous Thanksgiving with my family. Life really is good. :)

I Bet Mine Can Out Talk Yours

Reports cards came home this week. My Middle Schooler got all A's & B's and every teacher commented on how polite and nice and cooperative she is. I am convinced that they have confused my "tween" with someone else's child because polite, nice and cooperative are not exactly what comes to mind when describing her. But, that is beside the point... the point is, she seems to be doing great in school and we are very proud of her.

My Kindergartener, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter. She is way above "average" in all academic areas. She always finishes her work first and she is a delight to have in class. But, and there is always a but when Hannah is involved, the side of the report card that tells about her behavior shows that the darling little Hannah that we know and love is the same little darling her teachers know.

She NEVER shuts up. I don't think it is possible for this child to be quiet. She talks or sings all the time. She talks and sings when she is playing, taking a shower, going potty, eating, watching TV, at the movie theater, in her sleep...I repeat, in her sleep! And, apparently, she talks at school. And, the best part is that she admits that it is absolutely ridiculous for anyone to expect her to sit quietly while others are working. Once she has finished her work she sees no reason why she can't chat with people around her, regardless of whether or not they have finished their work.

Well, I guess if non-stop, incessant talking is the worst thing she does this fine Kindergarten year, then we are pretty darn lucky.

Time is flying and they are having fun!

They are just growing up too fast! Tonight, Abigale is at the corn maze with a new friend she made. Part of me is ecstatic that she made a new friend that lives close by. But most of me is sad that she is out with friends on this Friday evening. The dad that is taking them, asked me if it was OK with me if the girls went off on their own. I wanted to scream, "No, don't take your eyes off her!" But, instead, I said, "Sure, as long as she is always with a friend, she doesn't have to stay with the parents the whole time."

I get inside, settle in coloring with Hannah when the phone rings. It's a lady named Heather saying she is Caris' mother. Apparently, Caris is a little girl in Hannah's Kindergarten class and she hasn't stopped talking aobut Hannah since school started. They want her to come over for a play date tomorrow. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Play dates are just the beginning. Pretty soon she will be off to corn mazes, then dates, then college, then her own family. I know this is completely irrational thinking and that these are normal, healthy experiences necessary for becoming a well-rounded, contributing member of society. But they are my babies. They lived inside of me for 9 (really 10) months! A part of me wants to lock them in their rooms and throw away the key. But that would be selfish and in the end wouldn't do anyone any good. The world needs them and all they have to offer. It is my job to prepare them, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I think from now on, at least until they go off to college, I am going to declare that Sundays are Family Days. They can go off with their friends on Friday and Saturday, but Sunday is our time. :)

Quality of life...

Quality of life. This means different things to different people. Some people will forego a big house for a short commute, others will drive an obsurd distance to have their dream home. Some people have a two-income household and put their children in daycare while others live on one income so their children are home with them. There really is no right or wrong answer because everyone has to decide for themselves what quality of life means to them.

I like to work. I like the feeling I get when colloborating with collegeaus to invent a new system or come up with a new marketing piece. On the other hand, I LOVE being a mom. I relish the time I spend with my girls and try to make our time full of fun, love and things that are bound to be part of their wonderful childhood memories. Because I like to work and work for a small company that often demands a lot of my time, I constantly feel like I am being torn in different directions. I feel guilty because I like working and like the contributions that I make to my company. And, on the days that I do sneak home early to surprise the family, I feel guilt again that I am not at work taking care of the zillions of tasks that need to be done.

For me, spending 3-4 hours a day in my car is like throwing money out the window. My time is so valuable and the time I spend just sitting in a car is time I could be with my girls or finishing up a project at work. How is this a quality life? The guilt, the wasted hours, the working my ass off to just barely make ends meet. There has got to be something bigger and better than this. I can't except that this is my life for the next two decades while I raise a family.

To be continued...

Smile...It's picture day!

When you work for a school photography company, everyday is picture day. So often, we have to remind ourselves that even though we think about picture day every single day, the schools we service only think about it a couple of times a year.

Well, today was one of those times at my daughter's school. Hannah is in Kindergarten at a school we just acciqured. It was a very unique experience to be at the school setting up equipment, numbering barcodes and getting everything ready for the kids when I knew that our first customers would be my own daughter's class. Not only was I there as a photographer's assistant, I was there as a mom. A proud mom of a Kindergartener. I experience picture day everyday, but this was her very FIRST picture day. Her teacher knew I was there and so she called Hannah out first. She got to be first! It is a true honor to go first because you get to hold the sign that tells us what class you are in and make a silly face. Then, we take the real thing.

It was amazing how quickly I turned into an assistant, instead of being her mom. I posed her up just as I would any other kid, but I BEAMED with pride when she flashed her precious, toothless grin. She did great and I was there. Not as the overbearing, overprotective mom, but as the help.

Tomorrow I will go to another school and I will go through the exact same routine, with more Kindergarteners having their first picture day. But, I will never forget today because I got to do what I love most, being a mom, while I was on the job.