7 years

My mom died 7 years ago today.  At the time, I was angry and depressed, but mostly overwhelmed with sadness.  I didn't know I could hurt that bad.  Kind of like when Abigale was born and up until that very moment I had no clue I could love someone so deeply, it took the death of my mom for me to understand how deep hurt can go and how hard it is to come back from such a painful place.  Because she wanted to make it through the holidays so she wouldn't ruin Christmas for us, when she did die 2 days before Christmas I felt obligated to make it through that first Christmas for my girls and for my mom.  I really don't remember too much about that Christmas except that I was hollow on the inside.  I also remember that for about a month after she died, every time I walked outside my eyes would raise to the sky because I thought of her as being in heaven.

Now, here I am 7 years later reflecting on that time and it still very painful.  It also still hurts so bad that she isn't here.  And, I feel a little bit of guilt that I love my new stepmom so much.  I can't help it, she is like our guardian angel.  Without her my kids wouldn't have a grandmother and my dad would be completely lost.  He was lost until JoNell and he found each other.  I don't even allow myself to think about what would have happened if he hadn't found JoNell and built a new life with her.  The merging of our two families has brought so much to all of us and I really am grateful to have all of them in my life.  But, I still can't help but feel guilty for loving JoNell and her family so much.  If my mom hadn't died, she and my dad would still be together and my kids would have their Nana to love and spoil them.  But she did die and we had to move on.  For us, our kids and for my mom.  I believe deep down in my core that she would have wanted us to move on and if she can see us from where she is, she knows that JoNell is giving them the love and support that is so important for children to feel throughout their lives.

Well, I feel like 7 years is a long time and I have come a long way in 7 years.  She may be gone, but I talk to her and carry her in my heart always.  In 7 years, not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about her.  In some ways, I think more about her now then I did when she was alive.  I can't just call her up and ask her advice, I have to really think about what she would want me to do and "channel" that when making decisions.  I think these next 7 years will be easier.  The hole is still in my heart and it always will be, but I have escaped the clutch of depression and am ready to move forward and embrace what this life has in store for me.