BIG TIME RANT!

Warning!  I have had a long, hard day and I am ready to vent.  Some is good and some is bad, so here it is...

Abigale
I actually said the words , "I am really disappointed in you about this"  to her today.  I have only said that to her one other time.  I hate saying it, but I know what an impact it had on me when my father looked me in the eyes and told me he was disappointed in me.  Sometimes, not saying anything (or very little) has a bigger impact than actual punishment.  Anyways, I'm sad.  I hated saying it to her and I hated feeling the disappointment.  I truly was disappointed in my child.  :(

Hannah
I am completely stressed out and feeling completely nostalgic all at the same time.  My baby's birthday is tomorrow.  She is turning 6.  Last night she said that Daddy and me were not acting excited enough about her birthday.  So, this morning when she came to wake me up I said, "Hannah, tomorrow is your birthday!  Today is the last day you will be 5, so make sure to enjoy it.  You will never be 5 again!"  And so she said, "Goodbye 5, Hello 6!"  It was so cute and just another one of the moments I will never forget. 

Ok, so that's the good part of having my baby's birthday tomorrow.  The bad part is:  Christmas is frickin' one week away, I'm broke, no one has time for a party, I am busier at work than I have been in a long time, and the last thing I need is to plan a birthday party.  But, after work I trudged to Target, hit the $1.00 section and loaded up on coloring books, gel pens and other little odds and ends, got her two more gifts, got wrapping paper and cards and decorations, got an oreo cookie cake for us and 24 cupcakes for school tomorrow, and then swung over to Taco Bell to purchase the family dinner. 

Now, once she is in bed, I get to decorate the house which she believes her special Christmas Elf does.  We  have to blow up ballons, hang streamers and wrap presents so that she thinks her elf did it while we were all sleeping.  Then, I get to go to work and then rush home so she can open her presents and I can surprise her with the yummy cake.  And, then to contine with the fun and make sure that my December born child's birthday does not go unnoticed, we will take her to Chuck E. Cheese on Saturday morning.  Did you get all that?

Hannah also got her 2nd Kindergarten Time Out Sheet that had to be signed and returned to class. So, now we have a collection of them.  :)

Mom
This is the hardest time of year for me.  It all hit me today at work.  A co-worker pointed to the calendar and I realized that today is December 17th.  My mom and dad's wedding anniversary.  If she were alive they would be celebrating their 44th anniversary.  The 19th would have been my mom's 65th birthday.  17th - anniversary, 18th - Hannah's birthday, 19th - mom's birthday, 23rd - the day my mom died, 25th - Christmas.  Talk about shit hitting the fan all at once...  Talk about emotions.  My mom died 5 years ago (as of December 23rd).  The last time I saw her alive was on her birthday, 4 days before she passed away.  I have played that day over in my head a thousand times.  The day before, we had a party for her and Hannah.  Hannah turned 1 and she turned 60.  We knew it was her last birthday celebration and her last Christmas, but we thought we had a few months left.  The last words I said to her the that December, Sunday morning of her birthday before I left to catch my flight were, "I promise I'll be back in March.  I love you."  I only spoke to her one more time on the phone and then she got to sick to talk and was gone by Thursday morning.

The last visit

Anyways, 5 years seems significant.  My mom has been dead for 5 years.  And to top all of this off, this is our first Christmas without Jay's mom.  We lost her to cancer on January 11.  Last Christmas she was so sick that we didn't have our annual family Christmas at her house.  Why must our parents keep on passing away at Christmas.  Anyone that has read my blog knows how I feel about Christmas.  But, it won't ever be the same again.

Abigale...Again
Ok, so as I sit here crying as I recall all of the memories of my mom's last days, Abigale walks into the family room and rushes over to me.  "Mom, why are you crying, are you Ok"?  Then, she leans over and hugs me and asks me again what is wrong.  When I tell her I'm writing about my mom she says, "Oh.  It will be Ok Mom and she squeezed me again and leaves me alone."  She has totally redeemed herself.

The most wonderful time of the year...Really???

For the first time ever, I did 100% of my Christmas shopping online!  I have been a huge advocate of online shopping for the past 10 years because it was the only way we could do Santa for our daughter and travel to Texas.  By shopping online, I was able to have all of her gifts shipped directly to Texas and they were all there waiting for us when we got there. 

But this year, because I ran out of time, I had no choice but to order everything online.  It is a little scary to order everything without actually seeing it, but so far I have never been disappointed in my purchases.  That is until now.

I finally found a pair of Uggs for Abigale at about half-price and purchased them right away.  I just got confirmation today and there is about a 1% chance that they will actually be here by Christmas.  Now what am I supposed to do?  That was the big present!  That was the one thing that was sure to make her face light up.  And now, she is only going to feel disappoinment while her little sister is full of glee.  I think this is the only Christmas I have ever felt so stressed out and so behind and now on top of everything, I have to pull a pair of Uggs out of my ass.  That should be interesting...stay tuned!

We will both survive middle school...I hope

Raising a middle-schooler means raising your parenting game up a notch.  Not only does she not need me anymore in the way that my 5 year old does, she often makes it difficult to be around her.  Lucky for her, I actually remember quite a bit of my tween years, so I truly do understand what she is going through.  I read a book recently that kept saying, "Remember, no matter how hard it is on you, it is always harder on your daughter."  And, I believe it.  I can see the internal struggle going on inside of her.  Part of her wants to be independent, cool, nonchalant, in-control and oh, so cool.  But the other part of her is scared to death to grow up and wants to just latch on to me and beg me not to make her grow up. 

Obviously, the part of her that wants to grow up has the stronger hold on her, or we would be in trouble.  She has to get up everyday, ride the bus with highschoolers, navigate herself around a huge school, keep track of her block scheduling, keep up with her homework, study constantly for quizzes and tests and maintain a healthy social life.  And, one false move can send that social life straight down the drain.  It is a lot of stress.  Abigale right this very minute thinks she is the only girl in school that doesn't have a pair of Uggs.  She wants a pair so bad, but she knows that as a one-income household, we don't usually drop $140 on a pair of shoes that she is going to grow out of within a year.  But on the other hand, I can remember when Guess jeans came on the scene and I absolutely had to have a pair.  I really do understand what it is like to be where she is in her life.  Unfortunately, for both of us, she doesn't have a clue what it is like to be the parent and no matter how much I want to teach her the lesson that name brands don't make the person and 20 years from now it won't matter if she had Uggs or not, she has to learn it for herself.  She has to go through the agony of trying to fit in and please all the caddy girls that shouldn't even matter to her, but do.

You can bet that some how, some way, Abigale will have a pair of Uggs on Christmas morning and some how, some way, we will get through middle school together.  I hope.

Photo by http://www.brandiblahaphotography.com/

Another tough day in Kindergarten

Every child steals.  At least that is what my friends have been telling me all day.  When I talked to Jay at lunch time and he read me the note that Hannah's assistant teacher sent home with her today, I was a little bit panicked that I had a clepto on my hands.

Apparently, Hannah forgot her snack from home today and spotted someone else's snack that she just had to have.  So, she decided to steal another little girl's snack out of her cubby and pass it off as her own.  When the little girl realized that Hannah had her snack, she, of course, told the teacher.  The teacher confronted Hannah and she flat out denied it.  Finally, after much coaxing, she told the truth, gave the girl her snack back and apologized.  She also brought home a note that needs to be signed by us and returned tomorrow.

Needless to say,when I received the news that my little angel had not only stolen (food of all things so it looks like we don't feed her...), but lied about it when she was confronted, I felt completely deflated.  But, after telling the story to several people, I realized that every one of us had a story to tell about something we stole when we were little and how we learned that it was wrong by either shame, our own conscience or severe punishment.  One guy said he stole a Sponge Bob little note pad that his mother told him he wasn't allowed to get.  Another said that she stole pipe cleaners one or two at a time from the art room at school because she liked all the pretty colors.  And another girl had a thing for smelly markers.  She took them one at a time until she had a box full of them.  Her mother eventually found it and she had to return them.  Even, I have a theft story from my preschool days...

I stole a bird's nest from a little boy when he brought it in for show and tell.  I swiped it right out of his cubby and told my mom I found it on the playground.  I took it home and placed it in a tree in the backyard that was right outside my bedroom window.  My plan was to leave it in the tree so a bird would come and lay eggs.  The next morning when I woke up and ran over to the window, I was devestated when I saw and empty tree.  I was convinced that God had blown the nest out of the tree to teach me a lesson and I felt absolutely horrible.  I didn't get caught, but I learned a valuable, lifelong lesson and never stole anything again.  So, if I handle my little girl's theft correctly, there is hope she won't go on to lead a life of crime as a cleptomaniac booted out of stores for stealing.

Her punishment you ask?  She spent about 2 hours in her room thinking about what she did.  She was able to articulate to me why stealing was wrong and seems to understand that it is wrong and she wouldn't want someone to take something of hers.  She also sat down and wrote a note to her classmate apologizing and will hand deliver it to her tomorrow.  And, last but not least, she gets to deal with Mrs. Koepsell tomorrow who is returning from a 2 day absence.  She is not going to be pleased at all with Hannah.  Hannah is sweating it and we have all jabbed at her once or twice about how we feel sorry for her when Mrs. Koepsell hears about it.  She probably won't sleep too good tonight, but I'm confident that when she walks off that school bus tomorrow she will have likely learned a very valuable, lifelong lesson.  Or, she will have learned nothing and this is just the beginning of a long road.  :)

Due to frequent antics on the part of Miss Hannah, Abigale hasn't gotten much mention lately.  Here's a photo or two of my Abby.  :)

Happy Halloween!

I wrote this around Halloween time and never posted it.  Enjoy!

I love, love, love this time of year. Jay and I even got married on Halloween because we felt like it was the best way to celebrate fall and our love for each other all at the same time. This Halloween will be our 13th wedding anniversary. I can't believe that at 33 years old I have been married to this man for 13 years! We have been through our fair share of hard times, but looking back, it is the love, commitment and sheer will to be together and make our family work that sticks out when I reflect on our marriage.

I used to think that once you got married, you could stop working at your relationship. I now know that the work is just beginning once you are married. Merging two people's lives that come from totally different backgrounds into one is hard enough, but when you add your own children to the mix it gets even trickier. I think the main reason that we have made it this far is our instistance on communication. We make time for each other and we tell each other what is going on. When I do something he doesn't like, I know about it and if he does something I don't like, he knows about it and is reminded of it for years.  :)

We have also learned each other's strengths and weaknesses. I know what he is good at and he knows what I am good at and we aren't resistant to letting each other take the lead on the things we are best at. I know that I suck at managing the finances, so he is in charge of that. I know that he sucks at making plans and arranging appointments, so I handle that. We both check our egos at the door and when problems do come up, we try to fight fair. Try being the operative word here. We aren't perfect and we have made thousands of mistakes along the way. But, it is those mistakes that have bonded us closer and closer to each other through the years.

So, here's to another 13 years and maybe even 13 more after that.

Pickle Humor

Kids say the funniest things.  I LOVE it.  Young children aren't socialized enough to understand things like feelings and white lies.  They are refreshingly honest and often give us adults something to think about.

Well, picture this.  6:30 AM and the four of us (me, Jay, Abigale & Hannah) are gathered in the kitchen.  Jay is making a sandwich for Abigale's lunch.  I'm making a sandwich for my lunch.  Abigale is eating a hot pocket for her breakfast and Hannah is dancing around the kitchen.  I take out the pickle jar and get a rather large pickle out and start to wrap it in foil (since Jay used the last sandwich bag) for my lunch when Hannah says, "That looks like a big penis"!  Abigale choked on her food, but other than that there was complete silence.  Jay looks at me and says, "You wanna take this?"  I say, "Hannah, what did you just say?" And, she matter-of-factly repeats, "That looks like a big penis."  I said, "Why do you think that?"  (In my mind I am thinking, "How in the hell do you know what a penis looks like AND how would you know anything about whether or not a penis is big or not"?)  She says, "Because it is much bigger than Sammy's penis." 

All of us breath a collective sigh of relief that she is referencing the family dog's anatomy and I quickly agree with her and then remind her that although penis isn't a bad word, it isn't something we talk about.  It is a private area.

Yes, kids really do say the darndest things...